rambling.

sometimes i feel like im not functioning properly, like everything in me has just stopped. and then i forget everything and just watch whats going on around me. i know whats going on and i communicate fine, everything works, it just feels like it doesnt. im conscious of everything that i say and do but really cant control it like i normally do. when i get like this im violent, i snap at everyone even if i dont mean to, it just comes out. and when im alone i cant focus on much, i just sit and wait, for what i have no idea, but i wait. sometimes im scared, of something i just dont know what. i lie down and think, my mind buzzing but never staying on a single thought. 
i get the feeling of not really being here, like im looking at screen or picture. i feel lifeless and dont care about anything. i pass a lot of time like this. sometimes its just a little while, like and hour or two, but most of the time its  days at a time that i feel like this, it continues for months sometimes. 
   the hardest part of being like this, i think, is the fact that i want to care and i want to be energetic but i cant. so i end up alone in my room or with another person bringing them down with my crummy mood. the other hard part is waking up. it would be easier if i just wouldnt get up, even easier would be just not waking up. it would be better for everyone, they wouldnt have to deal with my crazy mood swings or horrible temper. 
  this subject never comes up around my parents, actually...i think its the first time i talk about it... i tried once, to talk about it that is, and got a great reply "get over it. you just have to make yourself get out of this rut"  some things can just go away, ive tried. 

i'll pretend the monsters under my bed arent real and that everything is nothing more than a dream. 

so it's tuesday, january 18 and ive finished my official second day of work!
yay me!
i figured i'd post since i havent posted over the past two or three days, so i guess i will continue on using this post as a sort of diary entry.
<3 <3 <3  <3       <3  <3  <3  <3
<3               <3<3                <3
<3                                      <3
 <3                                    <3
   <3                                <3
        <3                       <3      
            <3                <3
               <3          <3
                  <3   <3                  
hahaha. crack heart.
anywaysss.
ever heard of  Regina spektor? i love her. shes amazing. her voice is great and so is her piano.
ive currently fallen in love with her song Samson. its beautiful.
 here are the lyrics:
You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, I loved you first
Beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth
I have to go, I have to go
Your hair was long when we first met

Samson went back to bed
Not much hair left on his head
He ate a slice of wonder bread and went right back to bed
And history books forgot about us and the bible didn't mention us
And the bible didn't mention us, not even once

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, I loved you first
Beneath the stars came fallin' on our heads
But they're just old light, they're just old light
Your hair was long when we first met

Samson came to my bed
Told me that my hair was red
Told me I was beautiful and came into my bed
Oh I cut his hair myself one night
A pair of dull scissors in the yellow light
And he told me that I'd done alright
And kissed me 'til the mornin' light, the mornin' light
And he kissed me 'til the mornin' light

Samson went back to bed
Not much hair left on his head
Ate a slice of wonderbread and went right back to bed
Oh, we couldn't bring the columns down
Yeah we couldn't destroy a single one
And history books forgot about us
And the bible didn't mention us, not even once

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first 


<3 <3 <3
here is the video- 

sooo now you know my current obsessively listened to song. 

and now how about i tell you about being "pitafied" (peet-ah-f-eyed)

while at work monday, happy late bday mr.king, my darling cousin and i ate lunch and shared a bag of m&m peanuts. and as she sat next to me, her fingers tapping against her keyboard, i took the massive piece of pita in  my hands and lifted my arm and brought the pita flying. it made contact with her cheek, making a small "paap" noise. i backed away, waiting to be assaulted by my cousin. the slapping never came, she turned to me and in all seriousness says "i can honestly say that i have NEVER been slapped in the face with a pita" 

the conversation ended there but i must say, that really did make my day. 

sonnet (older work)

last year i took a creative writing course in school, the first half consisted of writing short stories and learning terms for writing. the second half was all about poetry. we learned to write multiple types of poems but my absolute favorite was the last poem we wrote, the sonnet. i wrote multiple sonnets, and finally settled on one. 

Fire devours my entire being

You say it’s cause you love me

I’m clutching at straws, seeking

Deliverance from your love will never be

Yet you whisper sweet nothings in my ear

I’m reminded again, how it was when our love first bloomed

Its back to where we started, not drowning in fear

Then I blink and you’re screaming, pain erupts and once again I’m consumed

I’m crying, trying to picture any way out

Say kiss and never tell

I’ll find my haven, a world without you, I have no doubt

Dreaming of a place away from this hell

          Forget my name, forget my face, forget my entire existence

          So long as I live, this is my rebellion, this is my resistance

somethin i haven't done in a while. (WARNING! teenage drama)

i rarely cry, for a teenage girl, i think im pretty whine free. im also not a big spender, i almost never ask for things. i despise the mall, and most any form of shopping is almost as nasty as gym class. but im just rambling, i guess i can hop straight to my reason for posting this. 

  i love to draw, i cant go a day without drawing something. i doodle on everything and go through sketch books like candy. naturally, my parents support this talent of mine (although it took some time) anyway, im in honors classes at school, art classes that is, and i get pretty good grades in all other subjects. (A B student C in math) 

throw in the fact that i rarely ask to do much, i figured when i asked to attempt to get into an art school (thats free i might add) i get shot down. i mean ive been told that im welcome to go to the summer camp. the easy one that is really for anyone. yea, let me tell you, i really wanna go to SUMMER CAMP. so, the teacher recommendations, the help from friends, the pages of paperwork, all of it...a waste. 

  now, why i started with the whole "i rarely cry" thing....like i said, crying, it isnt for me. mama taught the girl at a young age, "crying doesnt solve anything. so stop before i give you a reason to cry"  

well, after sitting in the car and being told no to something that i seriously had my hopes on, i walked into my house, changed into pjs, sat down and did somethin i haven't done in a VERY VERY VERY long time. 

i cried, the tears just spilling down my face. it wasnt a whole dramatic thing with Niagara falls running down my face and accompanied by loud sobs and masses of snot, it was just tears. warm and salty tears leaving tracks on my cheeks. and now that its over, i learned something, crying doesnt solve anything it just makes you feel a whole lot better. i dont expect myself to be crying for everything, but i think i'll let myself show a little weakness. (moms favorite quote "tears are a sign of weakness. im not raising a wimp) 

  so a little piece of my heart has been chipped away, so i showed my weak-side to the wall in my living room. (i have faith it wont spill my secret like i spilled my tears) i think i can move on now. 

ive spilled my thoughts to the net and my tears to my sweater. 

if you read this- yes, its teenage drama. im not sorry if you wasted your time i did say it was just that. and if you read this, thanks for taking a moment of your time to read me whine. 

have a good evening, day, afternoon...whatever. :D 

a simple introduction

the name is tessa. 

this blog will probably be full of randomness. poetry, quotes, even diary-like entries. if i think it i'll probably post it. :D 

im still a youngin (ily uncle norman) so if it gets a bit on the immature side, my apologies. :)

so i guess, that is the end of my intro.