rambling.

sometimes i feel like im not functioning properly, like everything in me has just stopped. and then i forget everything and just watch whats going on around me. i know whats going on and i communicate fine, everything works, it just feels like it doesnt. im conscious of everything that i say and do but really cant control it like i normally do. when i get like this im violent, i snap at everyone even if i dont mean to, it just comes out. and when im alone i cant focus on much, i just sit and wait, for what i have no idea, but i wait. sometimes im scared, of something i just dont know what. i lie down and think, my mind buzzing but never staying on a single thought. 
i get the feeling of not really being here, like im looking at screen or picture. i feel lifeless and dont care about anything. i pass a lot of time like this. sometimes its just a little while, like and hour or two, but most of the time its  days at a time that i feel like this, it continues for months sometimes. 
   the hardest part of being like this, i think, is the fact that i want to care and i want to be energetic but i cant. so i end up alone in my room or with another person bringing them down with my crummy mood. the other hard part is waking up. it would be easier if i just wouldnt get up, even easier would be just not waking up. it would be better for everyone, they wouldnt have to deal with my crazy mood swings or horrible temper. 
  this subject never comes up around my parents, actually...i think its the first time i talk about it... i tried once, to talk about it that is, and got a great reply "get over it. you just have to make yourself get out of this rut"  some things can just go away, ive tried. 

i'll pretend the monsters under my bed arent real and that everything is nothing more than a dream.